The Fall of an Empire–Revision II
I’ve looked at this several time and find myself moving words around for no good reason. I did make a few changes that I think helps the line rhythm. But beyond that I don’t feel I’m making significant changes. One of the things I think I may change is the word “hummingbird” in line 10 to “wren”. Hummingbird just seems to have too many sylables for the line. I haven’t decided yet, though. I’m also not real keen on the title. So, I think I’ll set it aside for now. I may come back to it, but that’s not been the way I normally operate.
In spacious skies,
a hawk surges,
twists and tumbles,
as though falling,
stumbling from atop
an airy ledge.
It wheels again,
harried by a
speck of darkness,
a barely discernable hummingbird
charging with abandon,
then retreating, hovering
between angry forays,
catching its breath,
maneuvering before again
charging and retreating.
A mere comma
changing the declarative
into uncertainty by
a well-placed pause.
Nope, hummingbird has the power…change the adjective, discernible, which is truly syllable-heavy. And, yep, lose the title.
Sometimes, when I bake, I have to throw out an entire batch, if it’s not up to my standard…your batch won’t grow mold if it sits around and awaits re-inspiration. Maybe it’s like a seed requiring a long-dormancy before the tree emerges.
Eileen
July 8, 2010 at 8:59 PM
I love how I can always count on you for the unvarnished truth. Unlike with baking, especially my baking, I never through anything out. I am a writing pack rat. Thanks, Eileen.
smcallister
July 8, 2010 at 9:09 PM
Once I get through this weekend’s night bike ride and James Taylor/Carol King concert, I’m getting my motivation back to work on Mairi’s Battle again.
smcallister
July 8, 2010 at 9:11 PM
I heard Carole King hasn’t retained her voice over the years…you might require a stiff belt to get thru that performance!
Eileen
July 9, 2010 at 9:13 PM
She’s older than I am and I haven’t retained my voice. I think I’ll manage. I’ll let you know how it goes.
smcallister
July 10, 2010 at 8:00 AM